Friends

I was over at A Moment Shared and I was reminded of a Tim McGraw song, I'm not asking for much. If it's out there, I really hope it's lucky number... six. Sigh. Most people have two major relationships in their lives, I've had one, the failed one, I'm glad it failed, and I'm happy to have come away from it. This has been a long year, the year I decided enough being alone. The year I set out what I wanted and although I've been open to suggestion and quite interested in what if's, all I have got from this year is the pleasure of looking like a fool and bad sex. It's not nice to use/be used, it's not nice to be degraded into filtering online personals and crossing fingers for numbers at nights out, it's not nice to be without anything to look forward to. A part of me is quite ashamed, and feels pretty pathetic but a part of me is hopeful. I, just like every other girl, wants to be found. I want a best friend who will give me everything I wanted. Happy 2007.

Stupid

I did something I shouldn't have today. It involved the ex.

Eve

I hope everyone has a good time over the next week. I'm just finished with all my Santa duties. Ready for bed and looking forward to Mom's turkey.

Its been a long week

I have not stopped this week, shopping for the little ones Christmas, going to Church, working, trying to tell my Mom about 4. It has got under my skin. But I did buy a CD, the first one in a while; Get Cape Wear Cape Fly. Its quite good it reminded me of the Moments Shared blog. There is a Christmas party at work, and I've got my outfit, its sparkly and red. Maybe I'll get a bit much needed attention. I've got to go wrap these gifts.

HNT after working out

More toned What If

Hnt

Just right for those lollipops

5.disgust

Ok, so I made the mistake of going out with the intern. A cute boy, seemed harmless enough. Read here, my story would be something the same but there was knee to crotch and swearing I am away to give in to my need to nap. Needless to say his internship is over.

Lesson 9 - Self defence is important

Thinking about lesson four

I do miss sex, but I miss love more, making love, the comfortable sinking into someone and feeling how they love me spilling from their fingertips and their lips. There are few men who can express anything but want in the bedroom and I was lucky, to for a short time capture the attention of a man who loved me and could show me, he could make love. He could hold me, make love to me, make me sigh a sigh of satisfaction. I am upset everytime I have sex that I lost that, it's never been close. My friends all talk about husbands not being able to make love to them how they imagine it ought to be and self help books all say that there are not going to be many men who ever give you what you want. What are they doing, are my expectations too high, I want to feel good about myself. Today has been a hard day, 4 called earlier with no idea why we can't continue, why I have 'went cold' on him, I think I will start carrying the checklist around with me and be strict with myself.

Hnt

4.x

I thought to let him redeem himself, he is a nice guy. I really don't know if I could teach him, he thinks he's great and really he's just weak. He came round and "grabbed" me. I could go on, but its depressing.

Lesson 8 - 40 year old men can be boys

4.3

What a disappointment. I was expecting raw passion, roaming hands and flirting. Kisses that would fire up my loins. But no, I got ten minutes on his couch of some kind of thing you couldn't even pass off as groping never mind foreplay. Then we got to bed and ten minutes would be flattering, with what I wouldn't call a stick of rock. There was something very flimsy and nervous about this "man", unless I didn't do it for him. Oh, I don't know. I don't think I'll try to find out about this one. He seems to have become a bit of a deflated idea, he doesn't fit the sheet.

HNT well not quite

4.2

Well the art was certainly a highlight of the day. I never liked so much under one roof before. We were friendly, he told me he wanted to take things slow. We made it out last night too, so its not slow as I would describe slow. He taught me a few things about art, its been so long since I've been taught anything. It'd be a good sign for a relationship, a guy with something to teach. He was really nice to me, his hand on the small of my back encouraging me around. I liked that touching, it was light but strong. It's a shame he's already failed some of the checklist. A few actually. :(

Lesson 7 - Checklists, are not always the best way.

4

It took me a while to find a number 4. I felt sore for a long time about 3 and how he was toward me.

I met him at an art fair, modern photography and he was a bit light around the edges.

Profile - 39, never married; an art student. 6 foot, 160lbs. He was dark, not ethnic I don't think dark hair, eyes like the night and very young looking. When we saw each other he had this horrible rubbery brown patent leather jacket on. He was all about culture. We spoke a lot about current affairs, cultures and societies. I liked that he was intelligent, knowledgable, and that he had this emotional thing going on, as if it were there he just was trying to leave it. He had a cute side, like a boy. We spoke for a long time about 3, it felt easy to talk to him. We are going to an opening on the 24th

Lesson 6 - Soft guys are good company.

3.x

3 called me, he sounded shy. He told me, he had been seeing someone else the same time as me he was "working out" who to take things further with. I was hurt and I wasn't optimistic, I didn't want to be in a race even if I was to win. It's a horrible way to decide on a relationship. So, he says that he really likes me and he really likes this other woman and he thinks it'd be best for us if we broke off from one another. Rejection is a bitch. I wouldn't want him now anyway, not if thats what he does. But I really liked him, he had things I wanted he was good company. I liked him, I was trying to seduce him. At least it makes sense why he said no now. But then you know how men are, take anything going (sigh) maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't want to sleep with anything and give myself the illusion I am appealing but I don't want to be turned down by a good looking guy either, as if I'm not up to standard. It is big hit to the ego when these ugly women at work half of them deformed, all booty or flat-chested are getting it left right and center. The good looking women in my office are sickeningly happily married. I mean barf in a bucket happy. (I'm a little jealous, I want to be a happy wife.) I don't want to make this about sex, its just the surface feeling from this rejection. He made me feel good and he took it away. I am now looking at the messages I got on my personal and its all the same. I am thinking will this ever work, there is a married guy here looking for fun it just feels uphill.

Lesson 4 - I miss having sex.

3.3

So we have been speaking to each other on AIM through our working days. He is cute, he leaves me smileys when I have an appointment. He sent me a song, said it reminded him of me! I didn't like it much, and it wasn't anything lovely like George Benson but its the first time anyone gave me music in the mind it reminded them of me. Its nice to think I am in his mind. What songs remind you of your love?

The Magic Numbers
Morning's Eleven

Maybe you could telephone
Maybe I could meet you in the morning
Call me if you're on your own
And maybe I could meet you in the morning

Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba...

---------------

Review 3.2

Well it all went very well, he came round early. He took a bottle of red wine which was very nice, quite sharp. I was disappointed that he didn't help me with the cooking, but I don't think he has quite the ability to help me. I'm not looking to be helped but sometimes its nice. I am looking to be loved and supported, I can see that he would be a good lover. He has charm. I don't know how well he could support me, it's quite early to say. He seems intelligent, he is clued up in many things I am not. I think he is lovely. So we ate, I am not much of a cook so it was quite a basic pasta dish. The conversation was whippy we had giggles. He has a cute laugh. Even with all my suggesting we didn't skip dessert. He left after a few coffees and a few kisses. He said he couldn't wait to see me again. I look forward to it.

3.2

So the second date, Thursday night. We walked into town and hit a couple of bars, then this little Spanish place that was fab! He looked after me, held doors for me. Held an arm out when we were on stairs. I enjoyed my night, and I can't wait to see him again. My body is starting to want a bit more than it did. I looked through my intimates this morning and I hope some of it still fits. I am cooking for him on Saturday.

2

Ok, I wasn't going to tell but number two. We met at a work networking session, we spoke and joked harmlessly. He asked for my number and I obliged.

Profile - 29, never married; a director. 6 foot 3, slim 150lbs. Short fairish brown hair, beard/goatee, pale blue eyes. He wasn't the most attractive thing I have ever seen, he looked awkward on his feet, like a new calf. Smothered in a suit probably more expensive than my entire closet. He took me to a cocktail bar and I never looked at the price of anything! Our conversation was about work, he is a very intelligent guy but there was no personality.

No fun makes What If a sad girl.

Remember Lesson 2 - Men who are afraid to play and joke really can't have fun. (2 was a blue soul)

Luv

I have found a blog, with two bloggers that make me smile everyday. I think for some reason, they are in love. Its draped in their words, even if some of their words do go over my head, "Genotype"? She sweetens him and he adores her. I want my checklist to give me that feeling for myself, of my own relationship. He should give me things like this. Which thinking about made me a bit teary! But its nice. :D

http://a-moment-shared.blogspot.com/2006/10/first-one.html

Have a look at A Moment Shared. Even the old blogs they have are really good, puts me to shame.

3

So number three. We met online last week and spoke for a day, basically just to exchange photos and arrange where to meet. The feeling of instant was quite exciting.

Profile - 24, never married; a systems analyst. 6 foot 1, quite broad 180lbs. Crew brown hair, stubbled, smokey eyes. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt of some band I had never heard of. He was hot, like hot when he picked me up I wanted to touch him. This guy was sexy. We went to a little music venue, subdued band and cold beer. Our conversation was firstly about music, I was hanging on every word he was saying. He is a very intelligent guy, people smart too. His SOH was a bit crass at times but he could carry it. He never made any crude remarks and in fact was the perfect gentleman, gave me a couple well observed compliments. I liked our date, it was easy. We are going out to dinner tomorrow.

I was walked home for the first time since prom, I felt very girly.

Lesson 2 - Men who are afraid to play and joke really can't have fun. (2 was a blue soul)

Lesson 3 - Not everything good has to be planned to the letter.

1

Last night was my first first date for about 3 years. We met online and spoke for a few weeks, just chit chat and he suggested we should meet up. After photo swapping we became quite flirty, so I had thought to myself maybe I haven't lost it. :)

Profile - 33, divorced with two sons; a financial consultant. 6 foot, well built maybe about 190lbs. Mousey brown hair, nice style, dark blue eyes. Dressed well, casual but smart - he looked comfortable. All sounds good! I liked his photos straight off. He was a good looking man, when he stood at the door I did think he was cute. Then it started going downhill the first thing we spoke of when we met was I looked older than I had said I was. He said I had an "unusual" dress on. I took these in the spirit of the occasion and diverted the conversation to where he was taking me. A chinese, it turned out to be one of the worst meals I had been taken out on, too greasy. As the night went on he lightened up and made me laugh a few times, he spoke mostly about work, which was ok because we work in common territory. I was enjoying his company enough to hint at a second date but he crudely talked about going back to his place, this was a man I had known for maybe 6 weeks! I wasn't about to go back to his place. He looked almost disgusted that I'd say no and believe me he wasn't that cute. He said he wasn't looking for "anything serious", it said that on his personal ad. I hadn't appreciated that translated as "I am looking to get laid".

I took a taxi home and when I got into my apartment I cried, I felt very upset.

Lesson 1 - I have added a filter against those types now.

Checklist

I want a man who is strong, mentally and physically. A tall man, with a good build about him. An intelligent man, not necessarily academic but smart. A funny man, I like to be laughing till it hurts. I want a man educated in culture, one who likes film, music and art, one who knows about religions and festivals. An energetic man, one who likes the outdoors and sports. A mans' man, masculinity is important, a man who can fit traditional roles. A mature man, not old or young but mature, wise to the street. A man who is playful but still able to show the boy at heart. A man who can support me, who can show C what a man should be like, a man who can be good with children. A man who will romance me, surprise me, dote on me, who will make me feel good about myself, who will make me feel sexy and attractive. A man with passion, fire in his belly. A man who could protect me, keep me safe. A kind man, with a nice smile. A man who has some touch of emotive capability, a man not afraid to cry. A man with ambition and goals, a man I can share effort with. I want a man who can be my friend and my guide not just my lover. A man with respect for me, that will love me in all my ways. A man naturally kind and compassionate. A man with a sense of style, a man with a defined jaw and bold eyes. A good man.

Starting grid

A brief history update - I fell in love too young, 20 and far too easily, I got knocked up with a man, X who could never really support me or a baby. We never lived a life that I am happy to tell my child, C about. We faught and he drank. More than a little in both cases! He saw many women while we were together, one in particular who he returned too. Eventually, he traded me in for a younger model. Since then I have travelled, finished school and I have got a good job with flexibility, I have spent time with my C, I have became a better mother. I have sorted my life out. I have set in motion a positive future.

Goal 1 - The first goal for this positive future. I would like to find a man, who can support me. I have had not attention from the opposite sex for a long time, throughout my teenage years I always had to encourage men. This may have been why I was so ready to accept X. I haven't done well with men to be honest. I have went over this with my girl friends, we have a checklist (I'll post this later) and my climbing back on the horse has started, I have become an ad on a web dating site.